We want LeBron. And everything else!

New Yorkers are a spoiled bunch. If they see something they like, they’ll do anything it takes to get it. The masters of the universe didn’t move to NYC so they could drive a Ford Taurus to dinner at Applebee’s followed by a touring company production of Li’l Abner. They’ll take a chauffered Bentley to Jean Georges and front row seats at the Met, thank you very much.

That impatient, winner-takes-all attitude, coupled with the dismal state of the New York Knicks basketball team over the past several decades, has created a dangerous confluence of circumstances this summer. In case you haven’t heard, LeBron James is a free agent, and Knicks fans have set their sites on seeing him in the blue-and-orange this fall. In what some (okay, yours truly) would call an unseemly move for such a distinguished city, the mayor’s office has even started a online campaign devoted to luring LBJ to the Big Apple. Regular fans, and prominent locals like Matt Lauer and Mario Batali have put on the full court press (for lack of a worse basketball metaphor) to lure King James to our fair city.

I think when you’ve got Central Park, Lincoln Center, Per Se, the Brooklyn Bridge, Yankee Stadium and, let’s face it, Scores, all within a few square miles of each other, you should let the city’s unrivaled amenities speak for themselves. If Lebron wants to live the high life, he knows where to find it. In fact, as a displaced Milwaukee Bucks fan, I don’t even have a horse in this race. But to tell you the truth, I’m pulling for the Brooklyn Nets to land the big fish. What could be better than LeBron, Jay-Z and a ballsy Russian billionaire teaming up to build a new empire across the East River?

Still, this is New York, and we take whatever we want, right? Spoils go to the victor and all that. So while we’re at it, why stop at LeBron? Here are a few other people (and things) we could use to help cement the city at the top of the ranks:

Chef Ferran Adria outside El Bulli restaurant

Ferran Adria is considered by most authorities to be the greatest chef of his generation. He’s already announced plans to close his landmark Spanish restaurant, El Bulli, so it’s time to try his hand in a new locale. We already have Batali, Vongerichten, White, Bouley and Dufresne. We want Adria! I’m sure Jeffrey Chodorow will be closing some ill-advised concept restaurant in the next few months so Ferran can scoop in and grab a good deal on a lease.

The Mighty Mississip

The East River and the Hudson are fine, if you like puny, also-ran bodies of water. Let’s move the Mississippi eastward. A city like New York deserves the majesty of Old Man River. Bonus: we’d definitely dominate the “best ____ east of the Mississippi” honor in every category henceforth.

I don't even exist

Unicorns should run free in Central Park. What’s that you say? They’re mythical creatures? Need I remind you that this is NEW YORK CITY? Donald Trump lives here. We can have whatever we want, damn it!

La Cage!

We want Nic Cage to be here 24/7. No more hanging out on his indoor motorcycle in Beverly Hills or in his Bavarian Castle. I want full time access to Nic Cage in Gotham. Make it happen!