If he dares wear short shorts
As a straight man who enjoys the freedom of a pair of high and tight swimming trunks, I was heartened by recent news that Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick favors Speedos over “the surfer ones.” I have no problem with baggy surfer trunks, as long as you’re actually catching waves in Oahu or Malibu; but if the only thing you’re catching is sun poisoning at the Soho House pool deck, ditch the cargo-trunks. Somewhere along the line American men abandoned the more flattering trunks that prototypical manly men like Paul Newman (you know, the guy who, at age 80, could drive a car faster, pick up more women, and make better salad dressing than you in your prime) used to sport in their day, in exchange for the current crop of amorphous bathing sacks.
There’s still time to reverse the trend this summer. Check out these alternatives to the modern American monstrosities:
These Apolis Classic swim trunks ($99) are a good gateway for guys who aren’t ready to jump straight from those roomy board shorts into the world of the banana hammock. They have a slim, above-the-knee cut, but you’ll still feel fully-covered enough to play a vigorous game of paddle ball.
Once you’ve gotten accustomed to the slimmer look of your new Apolis, these retro trunks from LA-based Lightning Bolt are a logical next step. Their designs are still surf-inspired, but the 1970s cut is more Hawai’i Five-O than Jersey shore-style bro-trunks:
When you’re ready to take the plunge into full-on Daniel Craig territory, this square cut trunk from Tulio will send a message that you’re confident in your manhood, without landing you in Borat-territory.
Big Brother, Little Shorts
Borat exploits a loophole in the new regulations.
Look, I know us Amerikuns came to this fair land to escape the oppressive British crown, but this latest news from the UK is just too much for me handle. Apparently England’s Alton Towers water park (aka King George ‘09) has banned Speedo-style swimsuits for men, encouraging them to wear “more appropriate styles such as board shorts.”
I can’t describe the feeling of utter freedom I felt on my recent trip to the Amalfi Coast, where, as one of the few (straight) American men who proudly sports a short-short Speedo-style pair of trunks, I was able to sunbathe in peace. I find board shorts and their loose-fit counterparts to be a blight on the domestic beach, and the stares I get while flaunting my dissent often temper my beach-going enjoyment. As evidenced by the many Gandolfini look-alikes proudly sporting their banana hammocks on the pool decks of Capri, the Speedo is not effete nor offensive, but rather a way for men to celebrate the body that God gave them—back hair, paunch and all.
Shame on you, Alton Towers, for perpetuating the idea that it’s okay to wear board shorts beyond their rightful place on the swells of Malibu. If and when Speedo-wearing Brits are ready to stage a Boston Tea Party in defense of self-confident male sunbathers, I’ll be there in spirit, if not spandex.
