Karaoke School for People Who Can’t Sing Good

Confession: Although I can’t sing to save my life, I love karaoke. But I’m cursed with friends who all have incredible voices—as in, the only one who was never part of an a cappella group is a trained opera singer. So I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how to close the karaoke achievement gap.

Let’s start with the CLASSICS. These are safe choices for anyone, male or female, but only to a degree. They’re easy to sing and everyone else in the room will join in. But if it’s later in the night, you run the risk of repeating a song that someone else sang earlier (and perhaps, better). So belt songs like these at your own risk:

“Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison), “Dancing Queen” (Abba), “Don’t Stop Believin’” (Journey), “Friends in Low Places” (Garth Brooks), “Like a Virgin” (Madonna), “Livin’ on a Prayer” (Bon Jovi), “My Way” (Frank Sinatra), “Piano Man” (Billy Joel), “Rock and Roll All Nite” (Kiss), “Sweet Caroline” (Neil Diamond), “Sweet Home Alabama” (Lynyrd Skynyrd), “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (Bonnie Tyler), “You Shook Me All Night Long” (AC/DC), most other songs by these same artists 

GENTLEMEN: I’ll be honest…I have a soft spot for guys who can rock out old school Green Day (say, “Basket Case” or “Longview”), but just about the best thing I’ve ever heard at karaoke was courtesy of my coworker Mark, who skillfully yet hilariously crooned a Celine Dion ballad. Yes, you might want to practice beforehand for maximum impact, but the payoff is great. And the sillier it sounds, the funnier it will be. This strategy can also work with an over-the-top rendition of any boy band hit, from “MMMBop” to “Everybody.”

If your falsetto isn’t ready to go yet, it’s tough to go wrong with the Beatles or any of the classics listed above. And this may be controversial, but I’m going to say it: please skip “Black Hole Sun.” Just because it was a song option on Rock Band doesn’t mean it’s going to energize the room. 

LADIES: For whatever unfair reason, butchering songs by male singers as a joke just doesn’t tend to work as well for us (well, at least it doesn’t for me). So here are a few other tried and true ideas:

• Ace of Base: “Don’t Turn Around,” “I Saw the Sign,” “All That She Wants.” What’s not to love?
• Autotuned: My personal MO is to focus on singers who also can’t sing. Britney is my go-to girl—if you’re bored of “Oops I Did It Again,” “Sometimes” is an excellent, less overdone choice. Alternatively, Brit’s cover of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ’n Roll” from the classic movie Crossroads is both completely manageable and on every karaoke playlist I’ve ever seen. Warning: Old school Britney works much better than her newer stuff. Whatever you do, do NOT attempt “Womanizer.” Ke$ha and Katy Perry songs also are great choices.
• Daring: If you want something a little more challenging that won’t leave everyone in the bar clutching their ears, go with a song in a lower register, like “Criminal” by Fiona Apple, or “Spiderwebs” or “Just a Girl” by Gwen Stefani. Songs by dudes are also an option, and as a bonus nobody will be comparing your voice to the original singer.
• Group: Spice up your act with “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, or any other song (including many of those listed above) where you can drag 2 or more friends up to the mike with you. Boy band hits can also be used to good effect here. Think “It’s Gonna Be Me” or “Tearin’ Up My Heart.” Sure, you’ll be those girls—but at least the shame will be divided. An optional twist on this is the group Disney number. Although technically “Part of Your World” is a solo piece, you’ll sleep much safer if you let all the other Ariels in the room join in. After all, aren’t we all bright young women, sick of swimming, ready to stand?

DANGER ZONE: Sometimes, songs seem like awesome ideas until you’re 10 seconds in and realize:

• You only know the chorus—or worse, you don’t even know the chorus. For me, this was MJ’s “Thriller.” Awkward.
• You can’t rap to save your life. In general, you should avoid anything that requires rapping skills, unless you A) got ‘em (and deep down, you know whether or not you do) or B) are singing TLC’s “Waterfalls.”
• The song is more than four minutes long. Yes, “American Pie” and “Bohemian Rhapsody” have their charms, but they’re also really, really long.

TIP ‘N TRICKS: If all else fails…

• Make someone who can sing join you. Hold the microphone far enough out that their voice carries the show. This way you get credit for rocking a song without actually doing so. Make sure to dance enthusiastically.
• Many people have only experienced karaoke in a bar full of strangers, which can be intimidating, to say the least. For those of us on Team Can’t Sing, private room karaoke is an amazing alternative—this way, you’re only embarrassing yourself in front of your nearest and dearest. Bonus: it’s much easier to sneak in drinks.
• If the worst happens and you’re in over your head, grab the nearest person, shove the mike into their hands, yell “sing,” and run away. 

This is just a start—obviously there are tons of songs I left out here! Help me out, because I know my friends are crazy sick of hearing “I Love Rock ‘n Roll.” What am I missing??

Jun 08, 2011 | Categories: Music | Tags: Abba, AC/DC, Ace of Base, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, Bonnie Tyler, Boy Bands, Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Fiona Apple, Frank Sinatra, Garth Brooks, Green Day, Gwen Stefani, Journey, Karaoke, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, KISS, Lynyrd Skynyrd, madonna, Neil Diamond, no guts no glory, Spice Girls, sticky, The Little Mermaid, TLC, Van Morrison | 5 Comments »