Karaoke School for People Who Can’t Sing Good
Confession: Although I can’t sing to save my life, I love karaoke. But I’m cursed with friends who all have incredible voices—as in, the only one who was never part of an a cappella group is a trained opera singer. So I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how to close the karaoke achievement gap.
Let’s start with the CLASSICS. These are safe choices for anyone, male or female, but only to a degree. They’re easy to sing and everyone else in the room will join in. But if it’s later in the night, you run the risk of repeating a song that someone else sang earlier (and perhaps, better). So belt songs like these at your own risk:
“Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison), “Dancing Queen” (Abba), “Don’t Stop Believin’” (Journey), “Friends in Low Places” (Garth Brooks), “Like a Virgin” (Madonna), “Livin’ on a Prayer” (Bon Jovi), “My Way” (Frank Sinatra), “Piano Man” (Billy Joel), “Rock and Roll All Nite” (Kiss), “Sweet Caroline” (Neil Diamond), “Sweet Home Alabama” (Lynyrd Skynyrd), “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (Bonnie Tyler), “You Shook Me All Night Long” (AC/DC), most other songs by these same artists
GENTLEMEN: I’ll be honest…I have a soft spot for guys who can rock out old school Green Day (say, “Basket Case” or “Longview”), but just about the best thing I’ve ever heard at karaoke was courtesy of my coworker Mark, who skillfully yet hilariously crooned a Celine Dion ballad. Yes, you might want to practice beforehand for maximum impact, but the payoff is great. And the sillier it sounds, the funnier it will be. This strategy can also work with an over-the-top rendition of any boy band hit, from “MMMBop” to “Everybody.”
If your falsetto isn’t ready to go yet, it’s tough to go wrong with the Beatles or any of the classics listed above. And this may be controversial, but I’m going to say it: please skip “Black Hole Sun.” Just because it was a song option on Rock Band doesn’t mean it’s going to energize the room.
LADIES: For whatever unfair reason, butchering songs by male singers as a joke just doesn’t tend to work as well for us (well, at least it doesn’t for me). So here are a few other tried and true ideas:
- Ace of Base: “Don’t Turn Around,” “I Saw the Sign,” “All That She Wants.” What’s not to love?
- Autotuned: My personal MO is to focus on singers who also can’t sing. Britney is my go-to girl—if you’re bored of “Oops I Did It Again,” “Sometimes” is an excellent, less overdone choice. Alternatively, Brit’s cover of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ’n Roll” from the classic movie Crossroads is both completely manageable and on every karaoke playlist I’ve ever seen. Warning: Old school Britney works much better than her newer stuff. Whatever you do, do NOT attempt “Womanizer.” Ke$ha and Katy Perry songs also are great choices.
- Daring: If you want something a little more challenging that won’t leave everyone in the bar clutching their ears, go with a song in a lower register, like “Criminal” by Fiona Apple, or “Spiderwebs” or “Just a Girl” by Gwen Stefani. Songs by dudes are also an option, and as a bonus nobody will be comparing your voice to the original singer.
- Group: Spice up your act with “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, or any other song (including many of those listed above) where you can drag 2 or more friends up to the mike with you. Boy band hits can also be used to good effect here. Think “It’s Gonna Be Me” or “Tearin’ Up My Heart.” Sure, you’ll be those girls—but at least the shame will be divided. An optional twist on this is the group Disney number. Although technically “Part of Your World” is a solo piece, you’ll sleep much safer if you let all the other Ariels in the room join in. After all, aren’t we all bright young women, sick of swimming, ready to stand?
DANGER ZONE: Sometimes, songs seem like awesome ideas until you’re 10 seconds in and realize:
- You only know the chorus—or worse, you don’t even know the chorus. For me, this was MJ’s “Thriller.” Awkward.
- You can’t rap to save your life. In general, you should avoid anything that requires rapping skills, unless you A) got ‘em (and deep down, you know whether or not you do) or B) are singing TLC’s “Waterfalls.”
- The song is more than four minutes long. Yes, “American Pie” and “Bohemian Rhapsody” have their charms, but they’re also really, really long.
TIP ‘N TRICKS: If all else fails…
- Make someone who can sing join you. Hold the microphone far enough out that their voice carries the show. This way you get credit for rocking a song without actually doing so. Make sure to dance enthusiastically.
- Many people have only experienced karaoke in a bar full of strangers, which can be intimidating, to say the least. For those of us on Team Can’t Sing, private room karaoke is an amazing alternative—this way, you’re only embarrassing yourself in front of your nearest and dearest. Bonus: it’s much easier to sneak in drinks.
- If the worst happens and you’re in over your head, grab the nearest person, shove the mike into their hands, yell “sing,” and run away.
This is just a start—obviously there are tons of songs I left out here! Help me out, because I know my friends are crazy sick of hearing “I Love Rock ‘n Roll.” What am I missing??
“Paging Dr. Luke…”
I’ve lived in Los Angeles for more than a year and I still don’t have a doctor. Okay, technically, that’s not entirely true. I have a dentist who I’ve already seen twice. (Mostly because he shows movies while you sit in the chair and get your teeth cleaned. Last time I watched Slumdog Millionaire. Sometimes I really do love L.A.) However, when it comes to a normal doctor, I’ve come up with bupkiss. This is something that my mom brings up nearly every time we talk on the phone. Our conversations typically go something like this…
Me: “Hey Mom.”
Mom: “Hi sweetheart. How are you?”
Me: “I’m aight. You?”
Mom: “Good. Have you found an internist yet?”
Seriously, it’s that bad. The last time I spoke to her and, of course, she asked me about settling on a physician, I thought about telling her that I found a doctor I’m really stoked on: Dr. Luke. Here’s the one glitch… Dr. Luke isn’t a real doctor. He’s actually a super-producer who’s responsible for some of the decade’s best pop music. He got his start playing guitar in the Saturday Night Live band in 1997 but it wasn’t until he hooked up with fellow uber-producer Max Martin to write and record tracks for Avril Lavigne (“Girlfriend”), Pink (“Who Knew?”) and Katy Perry (“I Kissed A Girl”), that he became a star in his own right.
Dr. Luke-produced songs play in my head on a daily basis so I thought I’d pick the top three tunes I find myself humming when I’m shopping for groceries… or buying stamps at the post office… or picking up my dry cleaning. In other words, the following songs by Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus and Ke$ha always cause random bouts of singing from this lil’ lady. My apologies to anyone within earshot.
KELLY CLARKSON’s “Since U Been Gone”
A million years ago, in another life, I used to DJ. I spun at concerts, while bands did that whole set-change thing, but mostly I got my cred from spinning at MisShapes in NYC. The nights that I worked in that cramped lil’ DJ booth were probably the most glamorous nights of my life—and it’s all been downhill from there! (Just kidding. Sorta.) Anyways, if there’s one thing I can boast about from my tenure on the wheels of steel, it’s that I was the first person to play “Since U Been Gone” at this weekly hipster haven. When I put it on, the dance floor paused; the song was still really new and this was not exactly the kind of audience that watched American Idol on the regular. However, within about 20 seconds, the floor beneath my feet started thumping because people were jumping up and down, dancing like their lives depended on it.
I remember Greg K., one of the hosts coming up to me, grabbing both of my shoulders and saying, “What. Is. This. Song.” I replied, “Kelly Clarkson’s new jam. It’s amazing, right?” He just grinned and started shaking me. I took that as a “yes.” Needless to say, from that point on, “Since U Been Gone” was a staple on any MisShapes playlist.
“Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
MILEY CYRUS’ “Party In The U.S.A.”
Almost out of the blue, Miley Cyrus released this page-out-of-diary track in the summer of 2009 and I immediately logged it as one of my favorite tunes to scream, er, sing at the top of my lungs while driving through the streets of Los Angeles. (Did I feel guilty? You wish!) Sure, The Artist Formerly Known As Hannah Montana admitted to never hearing a Jay-Z joint before cutting the song (gasp!) and she thought it was somehow appropriate to pole dance while performing the song at the Teen Choice Awards, but not even those snafus can distract me from this song’s brilliance. It’s just that good. If Dr. Luke knows how to do anything, it’s pen infectiously-catchy-yet-lyrically-simple ditties that are accessible to everyone, regardless of age, sex or musical preference. If you ask me, that’s the sign of a true songwriting genius. As my beloved Barry Manilow would say, he writes the songs that make the whole world sing.
And apropos of nothing, how amazing is the picture below?
KE$HA’s “TiK ToK”
Ever since I heard “TiK ToK,” I was smitten—and, apparently, so was the rest of the music-downloading public. Her Dr. Luke-produced debut album Animal hit #1 on the Billboard charts the week after its release—sorry, Susan Boyle!—and she even knocked Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” out of the number-one spot on Billboard’s Hot 100 singles chart. Take that, Stefani Germanotta! (That’s Gaga’s real name, for those of you non-monsters out there.) I realize I might get pelted with a onslaught of hairbows for saying this, but I think Ke$ha could definitely kick Lady Gaga’s silicone-clad tush, if push came to shove. Sure, Gagaloo could use some—if not all—of her accessories as a weapon, but Ke$ha looks like she’d tear out your extensions, punch you in the neck and then spit in your face. In other words, homegirl doesn’t fight fair—and I love her for it.
Wanna read more of my musings? Hoof it over to http://www.leslie-simon.com. Plus, if you’re not following me (@redpatterndress) on Twitter, what are you waiting for? Don’t make me sick Ke$ha on your collective asses!
