Tiger Sorely Missed by Golf Fans…and Strippers
Professional golf’s first tournament of 2010, the Farmers Insurance Open held at Torrey Pines in La Jolla, California this past weekend, was unusual for a number of reasons:
1) Legend Phil Mickelson was accused of “cheating” for using Ping wedges that were made 20 years ago with square grooves that the U.S. Golf Association now outlaws for professional golf.
2) Perceived has-been Ben Crane came from behind to win his first tournament since 2005.
3) Golf phenom Tiger Woods was noticeably absent, and the legions of golf fans weren’t the only one missing him. A small prop plane circled the gorgeous, cliffside Torrey Pines course all day Thursday, tugging a banner that read, “We miss you Tiger! Déjà vu Showgirls.” On Friday, another airplane soared overhead, dragging its own banner: “We miss you too Tiger at Dreamgirls.”
While golf fans might simply be bored watching the game without its star, it seems that local strippers might be missing their mortgage payments without their #1 client making it rain at their clubs.
The question on everyone’s mind: When will the master return?
Tiger’s Behavior Simply Answered The Sports Guy’s Request
Since Thanksgiving, America has been captivated by the Tiger Woods sex scandal. And while various theories have been posited by sports analysts, sex addiction counselors, and most Americans-turned-temporary-armchair-psychologists (Tiger was too young when he got married, Tiger was simply acting out against a lifetime of discipline, Tiger’s downward spiral began when his dad died), I’d like to offer up a new hypothesis: Tiger was simply responding to a request made by The Sports Guy, a.k.a. mega-popular ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons, in an article called “C’mon, Loosen Up Tigg Daddy!” dated August 26, 2006.
In this column, Simmons complained that Tiger was a ”blank slate. He keeps winning and winning and gives us nothing to say.” In a public plea to Tiger to give the media and fans something — anything– to keep us interested in him in the face of his now-routine golf domination, Simmons outlined a list of 10 things for Tiger to do. Among suggestions such as getting a new nickname, changing up his look, or squaring off against an archnemesis is golden idea #5: get a divorce.
Simmons wrote, “I’m sorry, but married people aren’t interesting. Trust me, I’m one of them. I want to see you on the cover of US Weekly linked to Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, O.J. Simpson … I don’t care, just keep rotating the girlfriend du jour every few months. Maybe you could move into the Malibu babe lair with McConaughey and Lance. Hey, whatever it takes to be noticed, right?”
While Tiger might have settled for “hostess” Rachel Uchitel, porn star Holly Sampson, and waitress at Orlando’s Perkins Diner Mindy Lawton rather than lusting after A-list celebs like the ones Simmons suggested, he otherwise heeded The Sports Guy’s call for action and granted him exactly what he wanted: something to “keep us on our toes” (which, in fact, got most of us up on our feet).
Now, let’s just hope Tiger also follows Simmons’ suggestion #8: write a controversial autobiography. There‘s a tell-all I’d pay $25 for!
